week 7...
off with the fairies

Phillip Island

Did you know? A koala sleeps up to 20 hours a day! That's even more than my brother Chris!
Contest From Week 2...

Q. What do Ansett Airlines and Anthony Stevens' wife have in common?
A. Both got f**ked by the big kangaroo!

Why is this funny?
hee-hee-here's the answer! Pose this question to an average Aussie bloke and you'll get one of two responses: a hearty guffaw, or, "Ah mate, I heard that one weeks ago." You may still get a chuckle.

But ask an average American, and you'll probably be met with blank stares. Anthony Who? Whatsett Airlines? The only common ground is the f-word, a joy in any culture. But what does the rest mean? We did receive a couple of entries from the other side of the world.

Our first answer came from Cindy Gibbons of New Orleans, who wrote:
"Okay, I have no idea, but here goes... The first kangaroo has to do with a business deal gone wrong with Ansett Airlines, and the second kangaroo introduced Mrs. Stevens to the world of infidelity?"

Essentially, she's got it. A little vague, but it's there. Our second contestant, the always resourceful Michael Kellman of New York, produced this fine bit of research:
"I think I've almost got all of it. Anthony Stevens is a football player for the North Melbourne Kangaroos. The team captain, Carey, slept with his teammate's wife. As for Ansett Airlines, I found that Fox recently went back on a deal with them. Does Fox have something to do with a kangaroo?"

Michael's 90% right with the specifics. Captain Carey slept with Vice-Cap Stevens' wife, generating a huge scandal in the Aussie papers, where footy gets higher placement than the apocalypse. The other company we were looking for was Qantas, who pulled out of a merger deal during the last chapter of negotiations, which, to Ansett, ended up being Chapter 11. Ansett's last chance at survival was Fox, who also pulled out, putting a big ol' period on the end fo the bankrupcy sentence. Qantas became the number one-and-only airline in Oz, and if you look at the tail of any Qantas jet, there's your other big kangaroo.

Prizes are on the way!
I, Penguin:
Name: F-1106
Nickname: Gerard
Job: Caregiver
Claim to Fame: Came in second in Phillip Island Contrast Contest.

Food: Fish, Other Penguin Vomit
Song: Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine"
Footy Team: Geelong

ask a fairy penguin
This is F-1106, a busy penguin on his way back to his mate and babies with a tummy full of yummy fish. Thankfully, he took the time to stop and chat with us.

Where have you been? I just came all the way from Tasmania.

And boy, are your arms tired? Hmm, Cute. I've never heard that one before.

What's so great about Tazzy? Actually, your average penguin like me can travel up to four days away from home to catch fish for his family. Tazzy's just a short hop in my busy week.

How do you know the way back? I just... do. I can't really explain it. You know how, like, if someone says they're in Chicago, and from that, you know their left foot is also in Chicago? It's sort of like that.

Can I take your picture? -click!- NO! BARF! Aw damn.

Holy, what was that about? Nothing, it's just, your flash freaks me out and makes me puke out all the fish I just caught. It's an instictive reaction. Thanks a friggin' lot.

Can I touch you? No! I may bite.
contest! contest! gross!

What the hell is this?
The entries just came crawling in with this contest! The winning vote goes to Christie Childs from Thunder Bay who sent in this entry...

"..the stuff on the spoon was chipped beef..."

Though incorrect, the vision that her entry brought to mind was nearly as gross as the original creature. The next time we eat chipped beef we'll think of you!

Still want to enter? We won't hold you back! Just click on the link above and tell us what you think the creature on the spoon is. Creative responses enjoyed.
e-toast Aimee's Mood:Fuming Kevin's Mood:Pissed Today's Weather:
Again? Again?! What in the frickin' frack did we do to deserve another frickin' frackin' computer problem? Wasn't three weeks without a computer enough? Apparently frickin' not, since it's frackin' busted again! For frickin' frack's sake, what do you have to do? It almost makes me mad enough to swear for real.

A: "I wouldn't worry about it, you wrote them a note."
K: "Yeah, but tech support guys don't always speak English."
travelin' Bus,to Bus,to Subway,to Bus,to Subway,to Train:$1.90 Today's Weather:
Destination: Phillip Island. Only about 70 kilometers from the city, it's an island paradise, filled with rich wildlife and richer holiday homes. 70 kilometers? Well, that's not very far, is it?
  A simple 45 minute walk to the Glen Bus Station, take the 889 to Chelsea and pick up the train from there out to Frankston. Whoops! Looks like we can't get to Frankston today, because of a fatality on the line! There's something you'd never hear on the PA system in a New York Subway! Switch to an emergency bus from Carrum to Frankston, then from there it's a simple steam train ride to Stony Point to catch the ferry. See? Nothing to it! Now for the ferry... Who knew there would only be one ferry to Phillip Island, and that ferry wouldn't be for another four hours? I thought Phillip Island was a popular destination!
  Sigh. Can we go home? Not really, we're kind of committed at this point. This island better be worth it...

"That's the best $1.90 I've ever spent."
- Aimee.
formal affair Tickets:$25pp Cameras Allowed?No Today's Weather:
Would you pay $25 bucks a head to go and see slugs crawl out of their holes (assuming slugs have holes) and search for food? Not an appealing evening? What about if they washed up on the beach in waves, with slugs flinging themselves left and right? Would you pay for that? I didn't think so, and this is why cute creatures will one day rule the world. We added to this beautification of earth effort by paying the big bucks to see the Phillip Island Fairy Penguin Parade. They're little, they waddle and they know exactly how to make us all go awwwww (except that one German tourist who was too busy arguing about the no camera rule to actually watch the penguins). A multi-million dollar stadium lets you watch them make their way to their international-tourism-funded homes. If you can't make it to see them this year, don't worry, they'll be around for a long, long time, if Darwin's "survival of the cutest" has anything to say about it.

"Behind you--don't look!--the cook is pulling the bits off the dead pizza & putting them on the next pizza. I don't think you can do that."
- Aimee.
beach bummed Walked:15km Today's Weather:
We learned a valuable lesson today: one cannot walk the perimeter of this island. By looking at the map, one would think one could. By the time one realizes one cannot, it should take one about two hours (in a windstorm, walking through the incoming tidal waters) to make one's way out of the protected bird santuary that one accidentally wandered into without the rangers seeing one. Be happy to spend the rest of the day inland.

"I would have though it was just boring, rather than both boring and miserable."
- Kevin.
s.s. minnow Boat:$8.50 Today's Weather:
I'm stuck between calling us real troopers and wimpy-wimps. We did trek all our gear out here, and we did camp outside the past three nights. But this third night was just a little testing as it was the second night of rain and we are generally in a doom and gloom mood without a form of transportation on this Island. In the past two days, we've already walked our leash-length in every direction (as far as we can go in one day and still be able to make it back). So by the time the ferry arrived, we were the first on to get off this island. A short three-hour tour home, to the safety of warm, dry sheets.
  Has living in a cushy suburb made us soft? Have we forgotten that we once woke up in a tent in Yellowstone on a -22 degree January morning? Naw, we're just living the indoor life while we've got the chance. And there's something to be said for having an actual bed.

"I reckon you can sit any side you want."
- The skipper.
ohh, james Mission:Bunker Location:USSR Today's Weather:
Nothing to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon but shoot a few Russians. Since we still don't have a computer, and I need some way to get my daily recommended intake of electron emissions, I've taken up Goldeneye on the N64. Now, if I could only get past the darn Soviet bunker and escape with Natalya, I'd be able to end the day with a sense of accomplishment. For England!

"Yeah, that was dodgy. Hey! I just said 'dodgy'!"
- Aimee.
yodalicious! Ticket Price:$13.70 Seats:B17-18 Today's Weather:
Looks like the Man redeemed himself with this one. I'm sure it's no surprise to find out how disappointed I was with Episode I, but I think I've figured out the tactic: Lucas made Phantom Menace crappy on purpose to bring down people's expectations, so he could really sock 'em in the face with Attack of the Clones. It was excellent! Best Supporting Actor has to go to Yoda, the crazy little dude with the lightsaber from Hell! He rocked! Woo Hoo! Yo-DA! Yo-DA! Yo-DA!

"Okay, when that freeze-thing happened to Harrison Ford, was that in Star Wars or Indiana Jones?"
- Aimee.
off with the fairies: (adj.) crazy. We learned this one from a commercial for Fisherman's Friend. A girl checks her breath. Ugh! She's about to eat a mint (labeled "Mint"), but is grabbed by two giant moustached men in tutus and tiaras. The catchphrase:

"Use anything but Fisherman's Friend, and you're off with the fairies."
No, we don't really get it either.

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how come we
always like the
snakes the best?

We've got more contest entries...
Well you asked what it was, for a contest even, but in the E-mail you sent out, you so affectionately named this mystery creature as a fleshy sea spider! Henceforth, searching for sea spiders (none of which looked like your mystery creature), the "Spider Crab" category popped up. Seeing as this creature fits in a plastic spoon or spork of some sort, I belive it is a "baby spider crab". Hope you kids are having fun :)
- Bill, Thunder Bay ON

Maybe a little crabby kind of thing. Like a baby blue crab. I'm am glad you picked it up with a spoon......almost anything you don't recognize in Australia is probably poisonous!
- Mom, Thunder Bay ON
We've got mail...
Philip Island - ew.
French Island - yay!
Go to French Island. Stay at the Eco-Farm/former prison. It's fantastic. There is nothing to do there - well, you can ride bikes and swim and hike. I spent three days there in 2000 and it was the best part of my trip to Australia.
- Carolyn, Location Unknown

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© 2002 Kevin Beimers & Aimee Lingman. Nothing says you care like a bucket of air.