week 2...
football, meatpies, kangaroos and holden cars

Colonial Stadium

All is silent in the stadium before everyone stands to sing Waltzing Matilda.
the truth hurts...
It's a footy tradition: you go to the game and you get yourself a meatpie. Heat it up, toss on some dead 'orse (that's ketchup to you and me), and you're in heaven. Actually, by eating one you may get there that much faster, and may actually contain a dead horse. What is Australia eating?

We investigated (actually, there was an article in the paper) and found that you're eating just about anything that falls under the classification of "meat". That's right, it ain't a "beef pie". It's a "meat pie". And unfortunately, just about every living thing out there is made of meat.
Four 'n Twenty Things in an Aussie Meatpie
1. Beef
2. Sheep
3. Buffalo
4. Hare
5. Kangaroo
6. Camel
7. Goat
8. Pig
9. Poultry
10. Meat-shaped Protein
It seems the only qualification is that the animals can't have been killed in the wild. Thank goodness, or meatpie processing company employees would surely get bonuses if they brought in any meat struck by their car on the way in to work. Anyway, we all know that farm-fresh camel intestines taste better than free-range camel intestines any day of the week.

Can you believe Kev actually ate one of these at the footy game? To his credit, this was before he knew what was in it (of course, I ate a "sausage roll" and nobody's looked into that yet). We bought another one just to photograph for the site, and neither one of us will touch it. We'll have to feed it to our Aussie roommate, Shaun. Speaking of whom...
The Skinny on Shaun:
Age: 20
Occupation: Bouncer
Nightclub: Odeon
School: Monash Uni
Studying: Material Engineering

Footy Club: Geelong
N64 Game: Zelda
Movie: Ghost in the Darkness
Expression: Not a prob'm, not a prob'm.

meet our roommate, shaun
Mild mannered engineering student by day, baddest-assed bouncer this side of the black stump by night. When does he sleep? Let's find out...

When do you sleep? Ah, whenever I get a chance. But don't worry, I'm a solid sleeper, so just go about your business like I'm not here.

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you on the job? Eesh. Hmmm, well, pretty much anything you can name, I've had it done to me. I'm just thankful I've still got all my parts.

Meet any famous people in your club? Yeah, we get a lot of footy players in, I remember we had a bunch of old WWF wrestlers in after a show once. During the 2000 olympics the USA basketball team were there, and they were throwing money around like crazy. The guy had about $4000 in his wallet. They were all drinking Dom Perignon, $50-a-shot cognacs. One waitress made $350 in tips that night.

What's your take on Big Brother? I honestly don't know who comes up with these shows. They're just wrong, yet, I can't turn away.

Do you want this meatpie? No way, man. I'm Australian and I know what's in 'em.

hee-hee-here's a joke!
Q.What do Ansett Airlines and Anthony Stevens' wife have in common?
A. Both got f**ked by the big kangaroo!
Oh those Australians! What a witty, barbed sense of humour they have. The contest was... why is this funny?

Here's the answer!

(Contest was open to non-Aussies only, since any Aussie who hadn't heard this joke by now is out of the loop. Winning entries are on Week 7)
feelin' blue Owls:Evening Jog:3km Today's Weather:
Our laptop's busted. Actually, it's been busted since we got here. The extent of communication between man and machine is a blue screen bios message telling me it's beyond hope. Actually, it's telling me that the bios in my system is not fully ACPI compliant and I need to STOP: 0x000001L, 0x00000007, 0xF7050500, 0x0100000C... In laymen's terms, it could use a really hard kick in the ass with a frozen boot. Now, if only I knew where the computer's ass was. I never was good at the hardware stuff.

Cactused: (adj.) Experiencing technical difficulties.
Can't watch the game here, mate. Me telly's cactused.

shh... Movie:Beautiful Mind Tickets:$9 Today's Weather:
If I don't get the content off this machine it's me who'll be cactused. IBM's told us that they can replace the harddrive, but not the software, so if there's anything we want on it, we need to get it off our damn selves. I finally figured out that a combination of extreme hitting (on it's ass, no doubt) followed by a period of Mission Impossible style tremor-free operation will make the computer turn on enough for me to remove the 10,000 photos from our American Road Trip. Whew! Now it's time to get this thing fixed.

"With bargains like this, you'll be chuffed!"
- Shoe Store Catchphrase.
cross culture Bus:$1.90 Train:$4.50 Today's Weather:
We managed to offend an entire culture just by having lunch. Did you know you're supposed to take your shoes off when you go into those "low table" rooms in a Japanese restaurant? Oh, you did? Ahem, well, yes, of course you did. Everybody knows that. Except us. You'd think we'd know this, coming from a country where everyone takes their shoes off whenever they enter someone's house.

Other things we learned today:
1. Train passes can also be used on the bus.
2. Big M Banana Milk has an entire daily dose of fat.
3. Mormon missionaries look the same everywhere.
4. Victoria Market is closed Wednesdays.
5. You have to catch the bus on the other side of the street!

"I'd almost choose poo." -Aimee.
bling! Music Notes:438 Puzzle Pieces:38 Mumbo Tokens:10 Red Feathers:45 Today's Weather:
Don't even think of bugging Kevin today. Mr. Vile is just too fast to eat the Red Yumblies, denying Banjo the puzzle piece he needs to open drainpipe to Clanker's Cavern. Only 62 more pieces to go if he wants to save his sister Tooty from the clutches of Gruntilda the Witch, Banjo's arch enemy who speaks only in poorly crafted rhyming couplets. Not only that, but Leaky the Bucket still needs a pebble. A day spent in Nintendo Land playing Banjo-Kazooie is a good day.

"You're not Adam Somer." -Kevin
koshah? Red Capsicum:$2kg Onions:50c Roo Fillets:$12kg Today's Weather:
One of Kev's signature dishes is a big pot o' chili. Key ingredient? Ground beef. Oh, you can get ground beef in Australia, and cheap, but you can also pick up a big ol' hunk of kangaroo. That's right, roo-steak, roo-fillets, roo-stirfry... there's always room for roo! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though they make ground roo (who knew, no ground roo?). I think we could have asked for them to "mince some roo" for us, but we'd already offended the Japanese earlier in the week, and we weren't sure if minced roo was something one did. Ah well. Cheap beef it is.

"It's just not appetizing when you can see it used to be an ass."
minced roos North Melbourne Kangaroos:10-6-66 Geelong Cats:11-8-74 Today's Weather:
This country is footy-crazed. It's not a man-thing, it's an every-thing. Australians are apparently branded with their favourite footy team at the time of their birth, and I think we had to choose one on the customs declaration form we filled out on the plane. Kevin had no choice, since when he was here in 1982 he opted for the North Melbourne Roos. Now he's locked in for life! We saw them for their first game this season at Colonial Stadium...

"Sorry mate, you can't bring your full strength
beer into the stadium. So drink up!"
- Colonial Stadium Bouncer.
to the mall! This is supposed to be a possum.Our First Possum! Today's Weather:
This is the first Sunday in six months that's felt like a Sunday. Actually, the last time a Sunday felt like a Sunday was the second Sunday of our last trip. And the best part? We don't have to go to work tomorrow! Ahhhhhhhh... So what do we do today? Well, the computer's still busted, it's sunny out, and we're in Australia. Let's go hang out at the mall!

"Isn't it nice to be in a country where they still close stores on Sunday?"
- Kevin.
barrack: (v.) to cheer. In Australia, always "barrack", never "root". Here, rooting is something that might happen to an attractive young man in a state penitentiary. So, unless you're Wayne Carey, you probably don't "root, root, root, for the home team" here.

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We've got mail from Kev's Brother...
G'day mate!
So you went to see the North Melbourne Kangaroos vs. the Geelong Cats and the Cats won. You are still a Roos fan after all these years, eh? I remember your favourite player was Malcolm Blight, what is he doing now? My favourite player Leigh Matthews I think is a coach, or is he doing something else league related? He called a press conference not long ago. Could you please find this out for me?

So how are the Pattersons? I remember Nick was a diehard Edmonton Oilers fan back in 1982 and he put a big poster of Wayne Gretzky on your wall. Richard was about my age I think and Georgina was a friend of Peggy Grover across the street.

So anyway, is Steven Bradbury a big star in Australia now? He was the guy who won Australia's first ever gold medal at the Winter Olympics (short track speed skating) and he was the most unlikely gold medalist in Salt Lake. He was trailing the other three skaters (Mathieu Turcotte of Canada, Apolo Ohno of USA, and some Korean) and they all wiped each other out on the final lap and Bradbury passed them all. I read in Sports Illustrated that he has an endorsement deal with Carlton Beer. He is from Brisbane too, where do you find ice in Queensland? Oh well, if Tampa Bay can have a hockey team, Brisbane can have a speed skating oval. I know that Ian Thorpe is a huge star there, he was the hero of the Sydney Olympics winning the a few golds in swimming.

Anyway, you probably aren't interested but the hockey playoffs have begun and these are the first round match-ups:
Boston Bruins (1) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8)
Philadelphia Flyers (2) vs. Ottawa Senators (7)
Carolina Hurricanes (3) vs. New Jersey Devils (6)
Toronto Maple Leafs (4) vs. New York Islanders (5)
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Vancouver Canucks (8)
Colorado Avalanche (2) vs. Los Angeles Kings (7)
San Jose Sharks (3) vs. Phoenix Coyotes (6)
St. Louis Blues (4) vs. Chicago Blackhawks (5)

Anyway, I hope all is well. Go to Horsham and play "Where are they now?" Where are Ben Taylor, Shane Rowe, Brendan Coulson, Leigh Dougherty, Matthew Bedford etc.?

Anyway, later you bloody rippers!
- Chris, Stratford ON

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© 2002 Kevin Beimers & Aimee Lingman. We are Geelong... La la la la la la!