week 10...
crook with chook

Infecting Glen Waverly

This is Aimee. Aimee is 26 years old. Aimee has never had the chicken pox. Until today, that is.
stalking the swamphen...
Forget snakes, forget crocs, forget velociraptors even. This is the Purple Swamphen, a vicious, fearless beast with a beak that can crush a steel pipe and a fierce grip, perfect for tearing off human limbs. They can sense fear almost as acutely as they can sense food. One must wonder which they prefer more.

There are only two ways to confront a Purple Swamphen, should you encounter one in the wild: The first is to become the aggressor. Taunt the bird, wave your arms, make noise. Your irrationality may save your life.

The second way is to cover yourself in its feces. In desparation, just kneeling in some may be enough to drive it away.

Watch a demonstration!
meet frank & rosalie
This week, we drop in on some more old friends of Kev's parents. These wild and wacky folks kicked off the Thunder Bay/Australia teacher exchanges over 20 years ago. Let's tune in to the non-stop, heart-pumping action that's always going on at the Odea's...
When did you come to Thunder Bay? ......Well... It would have been about 1980... Yes... in 1980 we went on exchange with Ian and Tony MacLeod, who taught at Selkirk High School...

Do you remember a lot about it? ......I remember it being very cold, and always having to bundle up... it was really a logging town back then... Is there still the Kimberly-Clark paper mill up there...?

The mill is still there, but it's not KC anymore. It changes hands every 5 years or so. I think it's Bowater now. ......Right...

Are you planning to go back to Canada? ......Yeah... the girls have been pestering us for years to take them to Canada...

A Day At Odea's:
Girls: 2 (Lexi & Kris)
Holiday House: Merrick
Address: #3 Heatherlea
Newspaper: The Age
Where are the girls tonight? ......I think... they're going out tonight... with some friends... so they're getting ready...

Ahh, the old four-hour Saturday night makeover? ......Yeah...

Okay, we gotta run. What do you think of our upcoming announcement?
......Good on ya... That'll be quite fun... Thanks for stopping by... and say hi.... to your..... parents...... from........ us.............
hero on a half shell...
Spider Burton: A tall, lanky guy from North Melbourne. Big Bad Barry: Known for getting into scuffles with the opposing team. The Ox: David Schwartz, who's built like one. Dutchie Holland: Self Explanatory.

But Oysters? Number 13 from Geelong, Glen Kilpatrick is greeted by fans with a cry of "OYSTERS!" Is he fishy? Is he squishy? Is he an aphrodisiac?

Of course not! Any self-respecting Aussie knows the recipe for...

Oysters Kilpatrick
24 Oysters on the halfshell
4 bacon rashers, finely chopped
4 spring onions, finely chopped
1/3 cup worcestershire sauce
Preheat grill. Arrange oysters on the tray. Sprinkle with bacon and spring onions. Drizzle 1/2 teaspoon of worcestershire sauce over each. Grill on high just until bacon begins to sizzle.
Serve immediately.
compu-goodies Crashes Today:Cost to Overhaul Computer:$0 Today's Weather:
Hooray! The computer is back in working order ('working' at the speed of government, that is). At the very least, we can turn it on, type, draw (but not type and draw at the same time), and test. Coincidentally, the three basic necessities to produce an award-winning website! Well, a website anyhow. Now, if only we could win some awards...

"They're doing what they did before, but this time without gas."
- Inga.
panjacks? Dots:12 Itch Factor:3/10 Today's Weather:
It's not a pancake, it's not a flapjack... it's a Panjack(TM)! Shaker Panjacks, from the makers of Frogurt and Shackets, combines the great taste of a pancake with the unique flavour of a flapjack! It's brilliant! It's a panjack! Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
   Actually, looking at the result, I don't think this counts as either one. They should be round, and this one's all over the pan. It's more of a scrambled panjack. It's a... scramjack. Hmmm, I may have something here.

"You know you're past the teenage years when you take off makeup to go to the mall."
- Aimee.
outbreak! Dots:23 Itch Factor:5/10 Today's Weather:
I've been fevery and grumpy for the past two days straight, thinking I'm about to catch the flu. Well, the flu would have been a step up the viral ladder because this morning I was covered in spots. Either there's a nest of hungry spiders in my sheets or I've caught the chicken pox from the jazzercise boys at the mall. Until today I was one of the lucky ones who didn't go through a chicken pox phase when I was little. It looks like my luck has just run out. Scratch... scratch...

"Maybe I got it from that baby... Oh! Maybe that baby got it from me!"
- Aimee.
quarantined Dots:21 Itch Factor:6/10 Today's Weather:
Nothing to do today but stick around the house. Did you know that, by law, I'm not allowed to leave? I am ordered, by the state of Victoria, to remain in my apartment until this bug has completely left my body. Oh well, says I, nothing to do but bum around the Internet. Let's see what I can find about my little illness... Bad idea...

"I've never been so highly contagious in my life."
- Aimee.
kinko's kudos New Laptop Battery:$319 New Business Cards:$42 Today's Weather:
Watch out, Melbourne. Quarantine or no quarantine, Aimee's coming out of the house. There is work to be done.
  First stop, Kinko's. Yup, right here in downtown Melbourne. Kudos to these guys, who are by far the nicest Kinko's coworkers we've ever met. The average American Kinko's may be convenient, but they'll squeeze any penny out of you they can. But Melbourne? I gave a guy $4, and he whispered, "I put $6 on your card. Shh." Then when they didn't have the fonts I needed, he swiped the ol' employee supercard with hundreds of dollars, and let me use it all I wanted! Thanks bud!
  Second stop, back to St. Kilda for a new laptop battery. Tell me, would you consider this the ideal location to buy computer hardware? Well, we did, and it works great! So far, anyhoo.

"That's what she gets for being an endomorph."
- Kevin.
sparkling red Bags moving in:Bags moving out:Today's Weather:
Have you ever wondered why they don't make red champagne? There's two reasons...
Reason #1: When you're celebrating the last day in your rented apartment, and you pop open a bottle of sparkling red, it makes a resounding, unholy bang. Your mind begins to wonder if you've injured anyone or the drywall, and during that split second of disorientation, the stain-inducing red alcohol leaps from the bottle. Instinctually, you stick your thumb over the top to stop the squirt, which, like any gardener knows, only increases the force of the spray to stain the ceiling. Luckily, the floor is hardwood, but you need to spend 20 minutes with Lysol bathroom spray and a towel to mop the ceiling.
Reason #2: It's tastes awful.

"Your dad likes licorice, right?"
- Aimee.
small victory Geelong Cats:100 Carleton Blues:96 Today's Weather:
We are Geelong, the smallest team of all... hey, wait a minute! What happened too Geelong! They're all little! There's a maniac in the stands with a shrink ray! God help us all!
  The real story on this one: During half-time at the footy games, the little leaguers get to take the field. It must be such a thrill for the kids to play on the field where their heroes play every weekend. They play a 15-20 minute round while the big boys take a rest, the score of the kids' game is broadcast on the big screens, and they get to lead the real teams out onto the field when the third quarter starts. Kick ass!
An observation: Whichever team wins the little league game usually wins the big league game.

"You're weak as piss, Britton!"
- Angry Carleton Fan, End of 3rd Quarter.
crook: (adj.) not right, fishy, dodgy. "Feeling crook" means you're ill.
Things are crook in Tallarook.
chook: (n.) chicken. (Though, chicken pox is not called chook pox.)
Did anyone feed the chooks today?

Join our mailing list!  
Enter your email address into the box above to get updates from us!
play the game
as it should be

We've got mail...
Oh no, get well my little fairy friend!! Hideous being poorly when travelling especially when the buggers quarrantine you.. arse!! But i see you found our favourite drink, The sparkling red, yummmy!!!! A favourite of ours is Banrock Station Sparkling shiraz and another is lamonts Sparkling Burgandy, look out for them peeps, !!! Good luck with the new adventures and i will send you magic to cure ya spots, Bigcheeses Mousey one
- Mikki, Fareham UK

Drop us a note!

Check out our American roadtrip at roadtrip.beimers.com!

© 2002 Kevin Beimers & Aimee Lingman. The Itchy & Scratchy Show!