Rum pa pum pum! It's ...
the 2003 crappy gift exchange!

Our Turd Glorious Year!

It's craptacular! It's craptastic! You asked for it, you got it! It's the 2003 Crappy Gift Exchange, and it's back with a vengeance!

Can you believe that this holiday season marks three giant years of worldwide crap transit? Last year, we had over 30 participants, from five different countries and three different continents (or is that continence?). Why, it was practically the Olympic Games!

For those of you who already know what this is about, just pop over to the right and sign up. You've got things to do, places to go. No sense wasting your time over here on the left.

Everyone else, gather round. We've got a story to tell. It's a story about good. A story about bad. It may even be a story about ugly. But most of all, it's about spreading the joy of crap...

What is the Crappy Gift Exchange?
Ever wander through a store and come upon something so hideously tacky that you laugh out loud and say, "Who would ever buy that?" This year, the answer is you.

It's your chance to buy something downright dorky, tasteless, or funtionally useless, and mail it to a complete stranger to show how much you care for them. And you get something equally crappy from someone else. It's fun.

How does it work?
Simple. First, I'll give you the basic rules as if you're playing at a Christmas Party. We'll get to the international mail-order part in a moment.

Here is the five step process...
1. You buy a gift that you would never want given to yourself.
2. You wrap it in the most intriguing manner possible, so it looks halfway decent, and possibly even appealing. You want it to be the best wrapped gift at the party.
3. Numbers are drawn from a hat (hat sold separately).
4. Number 1 chooses first. He can choose any of the gifts he wants, then he must open it. The rest of the room laughs at his misfortune. Then the next number chooses, and so on. No trading!
5. I just realized I've been using these instructions for two years and it's really only a four step process.

But the participants are around the world... how do we give/get our crap?
A little different from the Christmas Party scenario. First, sign up on the right, we'll need your name, email and mailing address. Next, we'll input all the names into the Non-Denominational Holiday Matchmaker and, at random, you will receive a name and address, and your name and address will be sent to someone else. You may know them, but you probably won't. Then, you've got to run out, buy something crappy, put it in a box and mail it to your recipient. Hopefully by the holiday you'll receive yours as well, and we can all open them together on December 27.

Don't forget to email us a photo!


This is my first CGE. Can you give me some ideas?
Absolutely. There is an art to this holiday, because, as we've learned throughout the years, there is a difference between good crap and bad crap.

Bad crap, when opened at a party, is usually met with "hmm," "oooookay," or forced laughter. If it's not silly enough, weird enough or tacky enough, it's bad crap. Good crap, on the other hand, is met with, "oh my GOSH what the hell is that?" or "Holy Toledo, how did you get that in a box?"

If you can't tell the difference, try it on a friend. Put your gift behind your back and say to them, "What if I were to give you... this?" If they vomit, or even simply leap backwards in disgust, you've got a winner. If they raise their eyebrows and say, "Umm... no," take it back to the store. It's not funny enough.

Basically, you're looking for something that would make even Rove say "What the...?" or that Rose Porteus might have on display on her front lawn.

If you're still not sure, check out the bottom of this page for a bit more guidance...


Still not convinced? Check out the participants from
Crappy Gift Exchange 2001 and Crappy Gift Exchange 2002.

Look how happy they are! Sign Up Now!
 
YES! I wish to receive crap in the mail!
Looks like we've got a whole new mix of suckers this year. Glare at them. Examine them. Get to know every angle, curve and nuance or their tortured faces, before you unleash the terror of your Crappy Gift upon them. You may continue to stare at them as long as you like, since they are only digital likenesses and you're not likely to make them feel uncomfortable by staring.


Erin
Minneapolis, MN
Susan
Thunder Bay, ON
Ari
New York, NY

Rob
Thunder Bay, ON
Nolan
Calgary, AB
Kate
Kealakekua, HI

Frank
Jakarta, Indo.
Corryn
Northbrook, IL
Mathew
Stockton, NSW

Nadia
Thunder Bay, ON
Chris
Stratord, ON
David
Berlin, MA

Saybolt
Minneapolis, MN
Bruce & Val
Coral Springs, FL
Miche
Hughesdale, Vic.

Christina
Seacliff, NY
Michael & Idana
New York, NY
Dan
Thunder Bay, ON

Greg
New York, NY
Alain
Toronto, ON
Kevin & Aimee
Wellington, NZ


By the way, if you're wondering why you're being represented by a wooden fish or a talking jam donut, it's because we don't have a picture of you on file.
Mail one to us.
Make the subject "### PHOTO FOR CRAPPY GIFT EXCHANGE ###" or something we'll notice. If it just says "hi" or "photo", we're likely to delete it.
 
 

Rules and Regulations of the Crappy Gift Exchange:
1. There is no weight or size limit on the Crappy Gift.
2. There is no price limit on the Crappy Gift.
3. Sender pays for all shipping charges.
4. Sender is responsible for mailing Crappy Gift on time to arrive at its destination somewhere around Christmas. If you're late, send it anyway. Remember, not getting a crappy gift is the crappiest of all, so better late than never.
5. You must keep the Crappy Gift in your house (or yard where applicable) for a period of one month. During this time, you must e-mail a photo of the gift on display in your home (or yard) to Aimee or Kevin.
6. After the one month trial period, you may dispose of the gift in any manner you wish. Of course, if you dispose of it in a unique way, please let us know and we'll include it on the site.
7. Should you, your property or your mail carrier be harmed by your Crappy Gift, Beimers.com is not responsible for any damages, charges or medical costs.

For a complete transcript of rules
please write to us.
Heck, just write to us and say hi.
 
 

The History of Crap
It all began with four kids from a remote city in Northern Canada. One Christmas, they all thought it would make for a unique, if not entertaining, Christmas morning to give each other the worst presents they could find. This usually involved a trip to the 4 for $9.96 cassette tape bin at Zellers or the dollar store. Imagine the delight on the 25th when they awoke to a Sticky George album, or maybe just a dollhouse kitchenette set. It was the start of something big. Well, maybe the start of something medium.

The years went by, and the gifts became more elaborate, more risque, and more innovative. The list of competitors grew, the group got older, and it was then that The Rules were set down by the makers.

One unfortunate year (or perhaps fortunate), the original Four split apart to work in different cities. The gift of crap was split also, to be taken to the four corners of the land. One went West to Calgary, one South to Mitchell, one East to New York, and one stayed in Thunder Bay, to keep the tradition alive (there was no need to go North, as he was as far North as was worth going already).

And that, good children, is how the tradition of crap was spread to the world.
 


Colonel Sanders' Mandolin Band (vinyl)
Shows genuine imagination (or fantastic luck, good or bad). Definitely quirky, and triple points for obscurity. I mean, Mr. Kentucky Fried Chicken, playing his favourite hymns, with mandolins, on vinyl? Wow! Nearly unbeatable!
Crap rating: Great!
 Crayon Drawings By a 4 Year Old
Let's get one thing perfectly clear: It's not the Lame-ass Gift Exchange. You might think scribbles on paper is crappy, but it's the wrong kind of crap. It shows that you didn't bother to go out and look for a gift, and your were too cheap to find a real gag.
Crap rating: Poor.
Yo Quiero Jesus Nightshirt
Nightshirt? Not enough. Taco Bell dog? Not enough. Sacreligious overtones? Close, but no cigar. Individually, these things fall short... however: the culmination of the three together allows the item to barely squeak by the crap-o-meter.
Crap rating: Fair.
 Fibreglass Santa w/ Alien (measures 4ft)
Santa with an alien as, say, a christmas bauble, would be classified closer to the "not good enough" end of the spectrum. However, the saving grace of this one is its size, roughly equivalent to a dishwasher. In this case, it's the size that counts.
Crap rating: Good.
Paint-It-Yourself Henry the VIII
Do It Yourself projects could go either way with crap. However, when it's something that you wouldn't even consider doing yourself, like painting Henry VIII, it clears the bar. A possible followup: a completed painting of Henry VIII provided by last year's CGE?
Crap rating: Good.
 Fume Man with Sensor Function
A man with his pants down who farts as you walk by. At first glance, you might say, "Hey, not too shabby," but really, it's a little obvious. I mean, technically it's already labeled as a gag gift, in the gag section of a gag store. You'll have to try harder than that.
Crap rating: Fair.
This thing, whatever it is
If it comes out of the box and everyone goes, "Huh?" it's probably a bit on the lame side. This thing, hideous though it may be, scores kinda low. I think it's for candles, a knick-knack. The only thing that could have saved it: Immense size. Or possibly nipples.
Crap rating: Poor.
 Something to strive for...

The crowning glory of crap sent in our first year. This beast scores ten out of ten on style, design, size, packaging, and any other categories the CGE is rated on.

In case you're wondering, it's a Six-Foot American-Themed Carousel Horse and 300-Watt Upright Lamp. Consider this the benchmark.

Crap rating: Undefeated!
Singing Cake Plate
Obscurity wins again. The packaging is excellent, the plate itself is pretty tacky, and there's nothing worse than those little tin computery tunes. Dee-de-dee-dee-dee-deeeee! When it's a Nokia phone, it sucks. When it's a plate, well, now you're going somewhere.
Crap rating: Good.


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© 2003 Kevin & Aimee Beimers. The gift that keeps on giving.