week 27...
suitable for all
audiences

See You At The Movies

Imagine for a moment that this stunning piece of nine year old flesh is your son. OKAY OKAY you can stop screaming! He's not really your son! He's Frank's son, Bassi. Bassi loves three things: Surfing, Lord of the Rings, and Lego. Actually, I think Frank loves those three things even more, and buys them for Bassi so he can play with them when Bassi's not around.

One thing I do know Bassi loves: Zelda and the Ocarina of Time! How do I know this? Because when I was playing Zelda and the Ocarina of Time, Bassi sat next to me and say things like "OOH THIS IS THE BEST PART! THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT THE BOMB ON THE PLATFORM AND THE OTHER BOMBS BLOW UP AND THE STAIRS FALL OUT OF THE CEILING! IT'S SOOOOO COOL!" just before I put the bomb on the platform. It was like watching the Indy 500 with Nostradamus.
meet frank & sara
Finally, we get to start collecting on all these offers! Every few days in the North, someone would say to us, "Look me up when you get to Perth." Now we get to look them up! First stop, Frank & Sara's!
How would you describe your relationship? Haha... hmm. What's the word. Unpredictable? Not exactly. Violent's closer. We can't cook or do the dishes together without one getting injured by the other. All in good fun, of course.

Give me an example. Well, let's say that food fights are not uncommon around here, and we don't stop with food. Actually, Sara threw ammonia at me once. See, Lilly had just done a wee on the floor, hey, why would you clean up wee with ammonia anyway? Smells the same.

Bass Master:
Age: 9
Sex: Male
Dad: Frank
Fav Movie: Cutthroat Island
Cereal: Coco Crispix
Lil Munchkin:
Age: 2
Sex: Female
Mum: Sara
Fav Movie: Snow White
Cereal: Bob the Builder Rice Bubbles
What do you do for a living? You mean besides cleaning up wee? We're both biologists, only [Sara] is doing research, and [Frank] works for the Dark Side. Pharmaceutical sales. Eww.

What's so bad about pharmaceutical sales? Aw, I'm just not a salesman, I don't go for all that "Go team! Maximize the empowerment of your sellativity" crap. Plus, I just go around to doctors and convince them that my product is better than the 50 other identical products he's seen this month. The only real fun part is crossing a quarantine checkpoint and saying I have drugs in the boot of my car.

What would you rather be doing? Besides surfing? I'd like to be doing research with Sara. But, the money's too good, and I've got a family to think about. I'm a grown up now, I guess.

How long can we stay? As long as you like. Make yourself at home.

Oh, you'll regret saying that! Hey, you promised us you'd make chili.

these are the people in our neighbourhood...

Dan
SCOOP Magazine is choc-a-block full of what's hot in Western Australia. Well, guess what's hot in the next issue? US! Dan Stinton, editor of SCOOP, popped by our (Frank's) place in Scarborough for an interview. Don't tell Frank, but Sara thought he was pretty hot himself!
Johanna & Carl
Get this: Perth has 1.3 million people in it. We know six of them. We've been staying with four, and today at the BP station we ran into the other two! We first met Johanna and Carl at a Derby rest area. (Remember? Three flat tires?) Looks like they made it home safely!
Nick, Claire & Indigo
Three wacky friends of Frank and Sara (actually, the baby wasn't all that wacky, but very well behaved) came over for Mexican night! Kev made chili, Sara made burritos, and Nick & Bassi amused themselves with a game of Lord of the Rings chess. A night to remember.
Pascal
Pascal came by our (Frank's) place on Friday morning to take our pics for SCOOP. Wow! A pro photographer! We could tell he was more imaginitive than most, since he wanted pictures of us (gasp) WITHOUT THE BIKES! Thanks for the ride into the city, and good luck with that weird dude on the beach who wanted to hire you! Nothing hardcore, of course.
a surfing lesson: how to "stack it"
1. Float around in the breaking waves for 15-20 minutes to get acquainted. If anyone asks, tell them you're "hangin' sweet" for a "gnarly kahuna mambo" and they'll go away.
2. Once the perfect wave goes by, reorient your board and paddle like a three-legged dog to catch the one after it.
3. Congratulations! You're too early. The wave sucks all the water out from in front of you. Drive the nose of your board deep into the sand.
4. Flail helplessly as the wave crashes over your stunned carcass and throws you about like a cat in a washing machine. Remember to go limp!
5. Relax momentarily, just before remembering that the board that's still caught in the wave is attached to your ankle. Remember to go limp!
6. Poke your head above water to check for safety.
7. Since the board is still attached to your ankle, chances are it is nearby. Stand up forcefully to jab a fin into your skull to prove to everyone that you've "stacked it." Nice job!

Kevin did it! Check out his head!
wally's amazin' facts!
Sure, it may look like an ordinary war memorial, but the Whispering Wall has a bonus feature: Ask a friend to sit at one end of the wall while you sit at the other. Even though you're 25 metres away, you can hear a whisper! Don't have a friend? Listen in on some unsuspecting strangers! You sneaky bugger!

This Week's Amazin' Fact: How do you spend a whack of taxpayer's money? Just ask WA's last Premier! He found out that a church in England was getting some new bells, so he bought the old ones, and built the Bell Tower, an observation deck meant to bring more tourism to the harbour.
Isn't it pretty? It looks like Perth's answer to the Sydney Opera House, but is just as functional as Thunder Bay's Marina Overpass! Yay!

Enough of this chit-chat. I'm off to pick up some ladies. Hey, anyone around here know where to go to find me some single women? It's within a day's drive of Perth! Fill you in later!

Don't forget to look for Wally this week!
Distance this week: 9kmDistance since Day 1: 8284km

What is Bikeabout? Click here to find out!

Day 184: He Knows No Fear
Distance Travelled: 7.4km Temperature: 30
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: Daredevil
sarcasm is not dead
Whew! What a strenuous day! You think you've got it rough, well, let me tell you about our day. The life of an adventurer knows no rest.
   First, we awoke from a short 10-hour sleep to cycle ALMOST 8KM from one suburb of Perth to another, this one BEACHSIDE. The bicycle track along the ocean that nearly did us in, all those crashing waves in our ears. Couldn't hear the hum of our tires on the smooth bitumen, the waves were so loud. THEN, Frank and Sara weren't even at their house yet, so we couldn't do ANY WORK, and we had to resign ourselves to figuring out ways to amuse ourselves for the day. After much heartache, we decided on MOVIES and MEAT PIES, of all things. And to get there, we had to take the BUS! Talk about SLUMMING it.
   We wasted two hours of our life staring at Daredevil, and by the time we got back from that adventure, we were tossed right into another: Sara made a delicous meal that we just HAD to eat. Then, to top it all off, they forced us to sleep on a MATTRESS stuffed with MARSHMALLOWS. I can tell this is going to be a rough week.

"You know, I don't feel like I'm contributing as much as I should-- oh hey! My chain's off."
- Aimee.
Day 185: Sneaky?
Distance Travelled: 0.0km Temperature: 25
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: Snow White
Snow White
Mothman
Unbreakable
terrible tues...
A two year old's morning:
7:15 - Woke up. Asked for juice.
7:20 - Told by the new people sleeping in Bassi's room that they're not the boss of juice and I have to ask mommy.
7:25 - Asked mommy for juice. She said no.
7:26 - Asked mommy for juuuuuuice. No again.
7:28 - Asked mommy for teeny tiny juice while hopping up and down. That worked. Have to remember that.
7:35 - New person pretended Pooh was his and not mine. NOT IMPRESSED. Never giving him anything else.
7:38 - Cried. Got Pooh back.
7:39 - Tickled by new girl. I like her. Don't know why she hangs around with Pooh-stealing dope.
7:45 - Get bored with tickles. Watch random portion of Snow White.
8:10 - Mommy wants me to get ready. Hide! She found me. Great, now she'll probably want to brush my hair, and I'll have to put on (yeech) pants!
8:20 - Ow! Ow! OW! I like it better when Frankie brushes my hair! OW!
8:22 - Dive into couch. Mess up hair.
8:25 - Don't know why they keep calling this cat "Quattro". His name is Froofoo. Petted the cat until he left.
8:27 - Told to get in the car. Asked for more juuuuuuuice. Yum!
8:31 - Off to school! Mum has to be at uni by 8:30! She'll just make it!

Sara: "So you'd tell your students about the hazards of drinking Coke then drink it yourself?"
Frank: "Sure! Hypocracy is the driving force of the Catholic religion!"
Day 186: Have you ever read the book of Mormon?
Distance Travelled: 2.0km Temperature: 27
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: The Hard Word
Snow White
Snow White
Snow White
news medium
It's press day! After spending countless hours in front of the mirror doing my makeup and primping my hair, Aimee and I headed down to the beach for a photo shoot and interview with the West Australian. What did we learn? That even though the West Australian is the most widely read newspaper in West Australia (go figure), they ask the same questions and take the same photos as every other newspaper...
   60-70km a day. 15 punctures. Started on September 22, and covered 8200km in six months. Yes, they have gears. Ha ha, yes I can tell when she's not pedalling. Why? Ooh, good question. Ha ha, yeah, because we're mad. Yup. Yup. What, oh, you want us to get on the bikes for a photo. Head on shot, good. Now ride past? Should we wave? Now the other way. How about one without the bikes... no? Alright. Nice to meet the two of you. Take care now.
   Hmm. I should put this writeup into our media section.

"Frank, you are a compulsive eater! Maybe you and Geri Haliwell have something to talk about."
- Sara.
Day 186: Small Mouthed Bass
Distance Travelled: 2.0km Temperature: 27
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: Cutthroat Island
Lilo & Stitch
tickling twos
They toss, they turn, they scramble on top of each other, they dive onto mattresses, they tickle, they wiggle, they giggle, they spill the cereal, they squirm, they both want a turn on the Magnadoodle.
   They are the vicious combination of Bassi and Lilly. If you can't tell them apart, Bassi's the one that comes over four days a fortnight, and Lilly's the one that probably isn't wearing any pants.

"Maybe I'd offer to help if you hadn't STABBED ME WITH A SWORD."
- Frank.
Day 188: City Slick
Distance Travelled: 0.0km Temperature: 26
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: Chicago
Bourne Identity
sight for sore eyes
Well, don't that beat all... a pigeon! It's been six months of nothing but rainbow lorikeets, pink galahs, green winged king parrots and pointy-beaked ibises (or is that ibi?). Mile after mile of tropical flying fauna. Does my heart good to come into the city and see an honest-to-goodness oily, haggard city pigeon. It's even missing a couple toes! Aw, golly, I ain't been this excited since I seen that movie with the talking pig.

"Angled skirt! Angle angle angle! Point!"
- Kevin, playing fashion bingo with Aimee (and winning).
Day 189: Coo-coo for Coco Pops!
Distance Travelled: 0.0km Temperature: 31
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: Lilo & Stitch
Lilo & Stitch
K-Pax
captive audience
Look closely at this picture. How many merchandising opportunities can you spot? Can you find the...

Hi-5 Placemat?
Star Wars Episode II Plastic Cup?
Lord of the Rings Poster?
Bob the Builder Rice Bubbles?
Lilo & Stitch on Video?


(Hint: the last one's tough... look in their glazed eyes!)


"You wanna know what's for lunch? Filet Min-BASSI."
- Frank, to Bassi.
Day 190: A Rewarding Lesson
Distance Travelled: 0.0km Temperature: 24
End Location: Frank & Sara's
Movies Today: Lilo & Stitch
Mulholland Dr.
drama in real life: CAMERA!
Today is a long story. It's so long that it would probably take me a whole ten minutes to tell you over the phone. It could probably take up a whole web page on its own. But you've already read the rest of this page, and you're probably a bit pressed for time (knowing you, you're probably reading this while at work - your supervising manager would not be impressed!). Here's our day, in the Reader's Digest Condensed Form.

Kev goes surfing with Frank and Bassi.
Kev claims he can stand on the board by the end of the day.
Frank and Bassi leave Kev to enjoy his own stupidity, offering to take our camera back with them.
Kev lasts less than a half hour before bashing his head open in two places, and blood begins to pour down his face.
Kev comes home.
Aimee wants to take picture of Kev's wounds for historic purposes.
Aimee asks 'Where's the camera?'
Kevin says 'Frank brought it back.'
Frank says 'Oh shit.'
Frank goes back to the beach shower where he hung up the camera, then promptly forgot about 35 minutes ago.
Camera is gone, along with passports, which we kept inside our camera case since the camera never leaves our side.
Mild panic ensues. Aimee and Kevin begin planning the All Cartoons, All The Time website.
Frank calls the police. Police tell us they were already called by two honest boys named Casey and Kane.
Honest people return camera.
Honest people receive a reward.
Aimee takes picture of honest people for historic purposes.
Aimee takes picture of Kevin's wounds for historic purposes.
We all have a good laugh. Freeze frame, fade out.

I admit we could have drawn out the suspense a little longer, but, like I said, your time is valuable. Go on. You're done reading for now. You can open Visio again.

"Coulda been me. I fart so often I don't even know when they're coming out anymore."
- Frank.
starkers: (adj.) naked.
"We were on this one hash by the Cottesloe crew, following the chalk on this false trail, and right there in the middle of the park there's this bird, right starkers, serving drinks!"


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